Another Mystery Solved

He's got bodyguards, cutting-edge healthcare, the best PR machine in the world, people are just raining money on him and he doesn't have to fly commercial...

You know, I think Obama ran for President just so he could be sure nothing would happen to him.

Such Symmetry in Nature

I am a hobby sociologist. People crack me up. I was listening to a chatter show the other day, talking about social media. The conversation turned to how it's decided to change a facebook status from "single" to "dating." After the first date? After the first couple weeks? After a series of tense negotiations, mediated on both sides by retired Federal judges? A young lady of college age called in. Perfect. Someone of the appropriate age to care about this crap. She said women used to care if their men friends changed their status to "dating," but not so much anymore. It's a sign of being needy and manipulative to insist the fellow acknowledge the relationship. Besides, most guys didn't even know how to change that bit on their pages.

No, really, she said that out loud like it made sense or something. I cried laughing. Also, I cheered a little. A guy can figure out how to get on line, set up a page, download pictures, embed video and music, but can't noodle through how to do that personal status thingy.

Years of building the self-esteem of little girls has lead to this point. All that empowerment garbage has filtered through the feminine psyche and expressed itself as: Men are stupid. They are barely able to stand upright. They are no damn good at everything. We can't expect them to function like people, certainly not without supervision. This is the exact reverse of the attitude of about fifty years ago or so. The women back then whined and protested and set fire to their underwear (what was that about?) and generally made a nuisance of themselves until we've gotten to the point where we are now, where men expect us to change our own oil, put out forest fires and sweep for mines. When confronted with the same exact attitude, the men say, Yeah, whatever. We're idiots. Don't bother us with anything difficult.

This is why men are smarter.

This Guy

My new Short-Duration Personal Hero.

Who knew Canadians were so brave?

Diane Francis espouses a world one-child policy in the Canadian Financial Post, from the home in America she shares with her spouse and their two children. Her own parents didn't feel that way; Diane has a sister. What do you want to bet Diane's the older sister?

Oh, Really?

http://www.cbsnews.com/blogs/2009/11/09/taking_liberties/entry5595506.shtml?tag=mncol;txt

Justice Dept. Asked For News Site's Visitor Lists

..."the U.S. Department of Justice sent a formal request to an independent news site ordering it to provide details of all reader visits on a certain day..."

Here are some of the headlines for that day, just to refresh the memory: Link1 Link2 Link3

This administration's Justice Department issued a grand jury subpoena to Indymedia.us. The DOJ also said not to tell anyone about the subpoena without their permission. Not how it works. The DOJ can't subpoena a journalist without express permission of the Attorney General. At the time the subpoena was issued -- 1/23/09 -- there wasn't any Attorney General. They asked for every piece if information Indymedia had about every computer user who logged on to the site on 6/25/2008, from ISP number to SSN to shoe size. The DOJ is only allowed to ask for information that directly pertains to an investigation. The person who had the records was informed of the subpoena by Indymedia. She should have gotten served personally. That means a knock on her door like in the movies (or maybe your personal life, sorry) and a guy leaving a copy of the papers with her. This is something you learn the first minute of the first day of law school, and when Indymedia promptly squawked, the subpoena was withdrawn.

This isn't a case of bad lawyering. This isn't amateur transition-team behavior. This is how an oppressive government operates. We're going to stomp all over your civil rights and don't you tell anybody about it unless you want something worse to happen to you. We won't tell you what that is, but trust us, it will be worse.

Impotent bullies.

Somewhere in an underwater grotto...

...a fig-eating ape is rolling on the ground, laughing.

Classy, Classy CBS

Imagine spending heaps and piles of your parents' money to get a degree in communications from some ivy-swathed institution Back East. Through family connections or dumb luck, or even through working at it really hard you land what you're told is a coveted intern position at CBS. The future looks bright. Then Dave happens.

If you are a female person, your phone, computer, facebook, etc. are clogged with strangers asking you if you're doing Dave. I'm sure it doesn't even matter whether or not you intern for his show; it's enough to work in the same building as his staff. If you're a male person speculation trends more toward the sinister. If the Tiffany Network is cool both with David Letterman and a news producer diddling the help, every male employee of the network must be considered a potential episode of "Mad Men."

I don't think the ladies involved will sue for sexual harassment. Dave's main main squeeze got her law school paid for. Picture phones are handy. What I want to know is, what's the redress for everyone whose resume is now a dirty joke because they work for CBS?

Thanks, Al! Kisses, Sonia.

I was reading this article on American Thinker about how Obama only wants to do the fun parts of his job. That got me thinking about Al Franken, who only wanted to be a Senator for the stationery. Franken reminds me of the cute puny girl from "Survivor," the one they keep on until the final four because she's no physical threat and she'll go along to get along. Al's a jerk, though, but instructional. Remember during Justice Sotomayor's hearings when he asked her a question about Perry Mason. Oh, Al, you big silly. Here's why he did that. It wasn't to mock the proceedings, or to highlight the folly of Minnesota voters. It was more infuriating than that, even. It was just so Al Franken would have remarks recorded in the Congressional Record.

Franken is a cruder, low-rent version of Obama. Which must mean Obama's also the puny girl. Al dances with them that brung him. Franken's committee assignments are the Judiciary, Health, and Aging, which are a big deal, as well as Indian Affairs, which is not so much. Sorry, Indians. Y'all might make youtube, though, when Miss Franken asks during a hearing if you'd mind troubleshooting his email. Bet me. He's a seatwarmer. He could be replaced by a paperweight and he knows it. What's more, he doesn't care. He'll be their reliable swing vote as long as he gets perceived benefit, which for him consists mainly of the job title. The ladies at 14th and O have more self-respect.

But we know who's running Al.

Rape rape

My first ex-husband was a connoisseur of barbecue, and he had a theory. The best BBQ joints were the ones that had a cartoon pig on the signage. Little race-traitor cartoon pigs waving, smiling, welcoming you in; "Come on and eat me! I'm tasty!" He was right more often than not. I find myself thinking of that when I hear that Debra Winger thinks Roman Polanski shouldn't have to serve his sentence for raping a 13-year-old little girl because he's such a genius and the crime would be to rob humanity of his work. Debra Winger is still alive. Who knew? I thought Whoopi Goldberg had a regular gig on one of those daytime chat shows that are the reason why men think women are stupid. Her daughter had a kid at 15, so I can see why Mama's cool with statutory rape. Oh, and Woody Allen? You are so not helping.

Duane Chapman made his career when he snagged Andrew Luster in Mexico. Luster's from a movie family, like Polanski, and both are very wealthy. He was convicted of the same thing Polanski was, too: drugging and raping young females. Luster even filmed these encounters, just like Polanski did. Luster fled the country rather than serve his sentence, like Polanski. The difference is that it was proven that Luster did this multiple times while Polanski only incriminated himself once. Unless you count Nastassja Kinski, and why wouldn't you, she was 15. And Luster went after grown women while Polanski savaged a little girl. So why is it that Luster gets all the bad press and Polanski gets all the fawning? Luster can't hand out work for dried-up old husks like Debra and Whoopi.

If this wasn't Roman Polanski, artiste, with champagne and Quaaludes, but instead Roman Polanski, diesel mechanic, with hard lemonade and GHB would there be any question about wanting the guy buried under the jail? Even though the poor woman whose life he altered thirty years ago 'forgives' him? Forgives him. Right. Five hundred paparazzi in your front yard and the phone ringing off the hook with everyone you've ever seen on TV wanting to know why you want to torment poor Roman. For God's sake, the man won an Oscar! What have you done? Nope, no coercion there. Again.

Someone I work with said it would be funny if Polanski ended up in Corcoran State with Charlie Manson. I think it would be funnier if Phil Garrido was his celly.

Life's Enduring Mysteries

I'm a woman, have been for years. Thank you. I care about clothes. Not what I'm wearing, mind you; I'll wear stuff I found in the street. Other people's clothes. The second most poorly-dressed woman in public life is the hostess of The Biggest Loser. That blue number she wore for the season opener? Just because the poor thing is blond is no reason to dress her like CBGB's-era Debbie Harry, OK? That's just wrong and she should renegotiate her contract. And speaking of people who are clearly dressed by angry, colorblind drag queens, I may have figured out what the deal is with Michelle Obama.

The First Lady dresses terribly. Everything fits poorly, is inappropriate for the occasion, or just plain bizarre. I don't think at this point she picks out her own clothes, because she has to have seen pictures of herself. I think people around her are afraid to tell her anything negative. I also think Mrs. Obama's a pretty smart cookie. Every time she goes out the door the media go wild praising her fashion sense and the internet goes wild coming up with new, even more unflattering adjectives with which to describe her... attributes.

So when Ahmadinejad lets slip that Iran is building another nuclear reactor and that "it would definitively be a mistake" for Obama to say anything about it, it's time for Ms. Michelle to slip into something ridiculous and close the streets during rush hour to pick up some produce. Everyone will spend the next news cycle yapping. OMG! Her shoes, her weave, her expression, her butt. Can you believe she went outside like that? How much was that bag? Oh, yeah. We were talking about something else, weren't we? Right? Who can remember?

Michelle is a helpmate, a team player, a nice, old-fashioned girl and a good little wifey. She's the magician's assistant.

Showtime at the Apollo

Before he arose from the waves on a clam shell to do us all a big ol' favor by becoming our leader, Obama told us rubes he'd put all non-emergency legislation on the White House website so we could take a gander at it and have someone explain the gist of it to us if necessary. I can think of a great reason he should revisit that specific lie. He doesn't read what he's signing. That's right. His approach to legislation that affects millions of Americans yet unborn is the same one I've personally applied to leases, tax returns and divorce settlements.

The press and other unreconstructed partisans ( the wage slaves who don't have anything saved up to lose) have a keen interest in helping Obama look less like an ass. They'd soil themselves at the opportunity to read Big Man's paperwork. If there was anything hinky -- like language that cancels out any recently lifted Executive Orders, say -- they'd let him know. During business hours, of course, not on weekends, holidays, or Wednesday nights. They can leave a voicemail at Treasury or something.

Or maybe someone could sneak Obama's resignation into a farm bill or a bill designating the week of June 21st as Mildew Awareness Week. Think of it. We could have him out by Labor Day.

Miss Clifton Wades In

Today there is much rejoicing. Our Federal Government, the one that dictates how fast we can drive, what light bulbs we use and how much water we need to flush the damn toilet, is ceding to the states the right to legalize weed. And of course, the Bay Aryans are all a-dither in their adulation of the extremely clever and humane administration of our only president. I swiped that last bit from Molly Ivins. She won't care. She's dead from cancer or drinking or an ugly disposition. Something. Anyway, back to the potheads.

I have a series of questions for you, ahem, smokers out there. If you read the comments you get the same old blather about Prohibition and lost tax revenue, yada yada. OK. If marijuana is harmless, why were we subjected to The Grateful Dead for freaking decades? They only made two good albums! Only TWO!!! Why hasn't anybody come up with a more evolved, compelling comparison than Prohibition? Why is this the only time stoners care about something dull like tax revenue? Why is this the singular instance of their noodling out the math? That and mentally doing metric weight conversions. And you know what, Ben and Jerry's isn't exactly good for you.

Oh, not you, of course. You're a productive citizen. Never broke any other laws, always held a job, paid your own way, the whole nine yards. That may be. But you have to know, in your more lucid moments (like the day before payday when you've been smoking resin since Tuesday) how much more productive you could be if you didn't have to spend all that time finding your keys. But today's payday and you have your mind on other things, like working groceries and rent and dope. So I'll tell you why this is a crappy-ass idea from a government that doesn't give a damn about you, that uses you like a punk every two years when it's time to vote for them to continue living off you. Think of it as my public service. I'm a giver.

Legal dope means more people can get it cheaper. Woo Hoo!! I hear you. But think on this: You know how you'd rather not be bothered with certain details when you're high? Or you hear stuff and then forget about it? Or you hear stuff, period? Or you get these big ambitious ideas you never follow through on? Yeah. That's what they're counting on. You like conspiracy theories? Almost as much as you like Sunchips? Mmmm, French Onion... where was I? Oh, yeah. Our government is kind of saying that they'd really dig it if they could keep you... well, suggestible. That it'd be the path of least resistance to just do as you're told, and since you won't remember what you're told that could be a new thing every week. "Giving" your state this "right" is a means by which to buy loyalty through the indenture of your addiction. Because this isn't about sick people. Sick people take Marinol or eat weed; addicts smoke, and you know it as well as I do.

Every worker works because they have a lifestyle to maintain. Nobody has any incentive to earn more than they absolutely need when they know any surplus will be confiscated. Children provide a pretty good incentive. So does a drug habit.

This isn't giving you "the right" to anything. This is cynically preying on people's weaknesses. It's what the British did to the Chinese with opium, to make them malleable and less able to resist The Crown's predation. Read up on the Boxer Rebellion. And you'd celebrate the guy you voted for doing the same to you? You must be on drugs.

Curiouser and Curiouser

Perhaps you've heard of the recent natural gas shortages in Europe caused by Russia's decision to cut the supply. Gazprom is the leading gas utility and through various bailouts and sweetheart deals is a defacto entity of the Russian government. Like General Motors over here. Gazprom's reasoning behind turning off the taps was that the Ukraine owed them money so they weren't going to send their gas through Ukraine's pipelines until they were paid. Gas to most of the rest of Europe also flows through those pipelines, so reducing the pressure in the lines reduces the amount of heat everyone down the line gets. People are freezing. If this ever gets resolved and Gazprom turns the gas back on, my money's on them doing it all at once so it blows out the lines. It would be exquisitely Russian. Of course the real purpose behind all this is to show Europe the extent of Russia's reach. We have the power to freeze you and starve you. Do things our way, 'kay?

Ok, that's worrying, but it's Europe's problem. We have troubles enough over here, right? Not yet, apparently. The model Russia perfected with natural gas is now being applied to the steel industry. As in, our steel industry. Roman Abramovich is one of those Russian 'oligarchs' -- really rich young dudes with no past who seem to have risen from the waves on a clamshell. Amongst other holdings, he is one of two primary shareholders in the Evraz Group. They own steel mills. American steel mills. They've already renegotiated the existing sales contracts through the established business practice of tearing up the old ones and dictating new terms. So now every construction project that requires steel (that would be all of them) faces the prospect of paying the Russian government, since they've provided Abramovich with unsecured bailout funds to keep Evraz afloat. He's in a bit of a pinch right now, since Evraz is also trying to buy Delong Holdings Ltd., a Chinese steel maker.

A couple of other guys, Vladimir Potanin and Oleg Deripaska, plan to merge their mining company with Evraz, as well as with another couple mining companies and a producer of coal and steel. Russia's government would receive a quarter of the new company in exchange for paying off their debts.

They're going to take us without firing a shot. You could almost admire the efficiency of it.

CSPAN Junkie

One huge upside of our peaceful transfer of power is the Democrats have way more televised hearings than the Republicans. Sometimes it's in spite of themselves, like the impeachment. Every time it's a festival of body language, a confluence of personalities so borderline, egos so unbounded they cannnot be contained within a single human body. A good congressional hearing emits tsunomic waves of perfumed self-importance that can be sensed right through the TV screen three timezones away. It is an art form as subtle as Noh, a sport as brutal as Muy Thai. And they are playing for all the marbles.

I'm watching Mrs. Clinton's confirmation hearing. Chelsea's there, sitting in the row behind her mom. John Kerry made a point of acknowledging her. Miss Clinton got a polite and loyal round of applause, which Sen. Schumer immediately tried to claim as his own. Now, Mom is wearing a sensible brown suit. Miss Chelsea's got on a purple sleeveless number, in DC in January. Her hair is worn loose and she upstages the hell out of her mother. Delish.

Sen. Kerry said since Chel's dad served as an intern on the FRC, they would be happy to make Chelsea an 'intern for a day' and he personally invited her up on the dias after the hearing so she could sit in the chairs and take in the view. Because our government is their toy.