Another Mystery Solved

He's got bodyguards, cutting-edge healthcare, the best PR machine in the world, people are just raining money on him and he doesn't have to fly commercial...

You know, I think Obama ran for President just so he could be sure nothing would happen to him.

Life's Enduring Mysteries

I'm a woman, have been for years. Thank you. I care about clothes. Not what I'm wearing, mind you; I'll wear stuff I found in the street. Other people's clothes. The second most poorly-dressed woman in public life is the hostess of The Biggest Loser. That blue number she wore for the season opener? Just because the poor thing is blond is no reason to dress her like CBGB's-era Debbie Harry, OK? That's just wrong and she should renegotiate her contract. And speaking of people who are clearly dressed by angry, colorblind drag queens, I may have figured out what the deal is with Michelle Obama.

The First Lady dresses terribly. Everything fits poorly, is inappropriate for the occasion, or just plain bizarre. I don't think at this point she picks out her own clothes, because she has to have seen pictures of herself. I think people around her are afraid to tell her anything negative. I also think Mrs. Obama's a pretty smart cookie. Every time she goes out the door the media go wild praising her fashion sense and the internet goes wild coming up with new, even more unflattering adjectives with which to describe her... attributes.

So when Ahmadinejad lets slip that Iran is building another nuclear reactor and that "it would definitively be a mistake" for Obama to say anything about it, it's time for Ms. Michelle to slip into something ridiculous and close the streets during rush hour to pick up some produce. Everyone will spend the next news cycle yapping. OMG! Her shoes, her weave, her expression, her butt. Can you believe she went outside like that? How much was that bag? Oh, yeah. We were talking about something else, weren't we? Right? Who can remember?

Michelle is a helpmate, a team player, a nice, old-fashioned girl and a good little wifey. She's the magician's assistant.

Yar

Muslim thugs, primarily from Somalia, have captured and are holding 17 ships for ransom, including a shipment of munitions and an oil tanker. Ninety ships have been attacked just this year. The reaction by the world community has been to bravely run away, sending cargo around the Cape of Good Hope so as to avoid the Suez Canal and the Gulf of Aden. Me, I would have scuttled every captured ship, taken the write-off and sent the families a ham. That's probably why I'm not in charge of anything important. You'd really only have to do it once or twice, though. Just saying. Oh, and can we stop minimizing the threat by calling them "pirates?" Brings to mind little boys playing pretend. Some of them may well be little boys, but they aren't playing. It's only a matter of time before they figure out a cruise ship warrants a much larger, more expedient payday.

The Russians have taken a different approach. They are sending warships down to the Horn to protect their interests. Interests that will undoubtedly include monitoring ship traffic. It's the only way to find those nasty pirates, doncha know. So when they find a ship with something really bad on it -- or something really good -- they have a responsibility to detain that vessel until they neutralize the threat. Or get paid. After all, who's to stop them? We're swapping one set of thugs for a more organized, better-armed set, one prone to, um, accidents. Even if they get paid. And nobody's going to do anything about it.

My Short Duration Personal Hero

I love this guy. Not because of the amount of money potentially involved -- nobody's really going to pay him $2.2. The idea captures my imagination. He's selling everything he owns, including his job and introductions to his friends, and walking away with his passport and the clothes on his back. And the money. His only plan so far is to climb the Eiffel Tower, which even though it is in France is still a pretty cool idea. He decided to pack it all in and split because his wife left him. Nothing says "The feeling is mutual, honey" like dropping off the face of the earth. Go, daddy.

Extremely Creative Writing

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2008/0325081sabatino1.html

This is a story about some oaf incarcerated in Florida, I think, who for reasons known to God alone would like to insinuate himself into the murders of some rap 'musicians' some years ago. Big whoop. Even as a pudgy white boy, do you need street cred if you're off the streets? Just asking. He lied to the L.A. Times about it, and they ran with the story without checking the facts. Again? Yawn. Some of the purported evidence was in the form of FBI reports that turned out to be fabricated by the oaf himself. OK, neat. Shows initiative. TSG lays out in minute detail how these reports differ from real FBI reports, in case you wanted to know how to avoid making the mistakes this brain surgeon made. And now you have my attention.

Exactly how retarded are the people at TSG that they'd spell out effective methods for forging FBI reports? OK, the mug shots are cool, and I loved WMOB, but there is such a thing as being too hip. Saying that the reports were forged is one thing. Leaking exactly how on the Internet? When your stock in trade is dissemination of authentic (public) legal documents? Leaving aside the myriad nefarious uses to which people could put that knowledge, didn't you just make your fact checkers' jobs like a million times harder? How long till this bites you in the behind?

Eat your heart out, Dersh.

Michael R. Ray is the god-king of all jailhouse lawyers and I am in awe of his accomplishment.

Currently finishing out his third term in the Estill Federal Correctional Institution in South Carolina, where he's been doing time for fraud, the certified paralegal developed a hobby: filing petitions with the U.S. Supreme Court. And after about 75 tries over the last twenty years, he's accomplished something few actual attorneys ever do. He wrote a brief that persuaded the Court to consider an appeal for a fellow inmate at Estill, a guy named Keith Lavon Burgess. Burgess is a total lowlife and the appeal is probably going down in flames -- it's about clearly defining what constitutes a previous felony conviction for the purposes of applying a minimum mandatory sentence -- but that's not the point. The point is a regular Joe with no law degree managed to get the attention of the Big Boy Court. And for that he must be punished.

Mr. Ray is due to be released April 14, unless the South Carolina Attorney General's Office decides to prosecute him for Unlicensed Practice of Law. Ray is also king of the smooth reaction. To quote the press release he wrote himself: "It would be nice to see the Palmetto State dedicating the thousands of dollars being expended in this (investigation) for a prisoner re-entry services program ... and for ex-felon job creation." Prosecuting him for UPL would be a shame if it happens. He filed the brief in forma pauperis to duck the $300 filing fee. Out of the 7,186 such briefs filed in that Court term, his was one of only seven accepted for review. The guy's good, real good, although maybe he should consider horning in on Grisham's action instead.