Rape rape

My first ex-husband was a connoisseur of barbecue, and he had a theory. The best BBQ joints were the ones that had a cartoon pig on the signage. Little race-traitor cartoon pigs waving, smiling, welcoming you in; "Come on and eat me! I'm tasty!" He was right more often than not. I find myself thinking of that when I hear that Debra Winger thinks Roman Polanski shouldn't have to serve his sentence for raping a 13-year-old little girl because he's such a genius and the crime would be to rob humanity of his work. Debra Winger is still alive. Who knew? I thought Whoopi Goldberg had a regular gig on one of those daytime chat shows that are the reason why men think women are stupid. Her daughter had a kid at 15, so I can see why Mama's cool with statutory rape. Oh, and Woody Allen? You are so not helping.

Duane Chapman made his career when he snagged Andrew Luster in Mexico. Luster's from a movie family, like Polanski, and both are very wealthy. He was convicted of the same thing Polanski was, too: drugging and raping young females. Luster even filmed these encounters, just like Polanski did. Luster fled the country rather than serve his sentence, like Polanski. The difference is that it was proven that Luster did this multiple times while Polanski only incriminated himself once. Unless you count Nastassja Kinski, and why wouldn't you, she was 15. And Luster went after grown women while Polanski savaged a little girl. So why is it that Luster gets all the bad press and Polanski gets all the fawning? Luster can't hand out work for dried-up old husks like Debra and Whoopi.

If this wasn't Roman Polanski, artiste, with champagne and Quaaludes, but instead Roman Polanski, diesel mechanic, with hard lemonade and GHB would there be any question about wanting the guy buried under the jail? Even though the poor woman whose life he altered thirty years ago 'forgives' him? Forgives him. Right. Five hundred paparazzi in your front yard and the phone ringing off the hook with everyone you've ever seen on TV wanting to know why you want to torment poor Roman. For God's sake, the man won an Oscar! What have you done? Nope, no coercion there. Again.

Someone I work with said it would be funny if Polanski ended up in Corcoran State with Charlie Manson. I think it would be funnier if Phil Garrido was his celly.

Life's Enduring Mysteries

I'm a woman, have been for years. Thank you. I care about clothes. Not what I'm wearing, mind you; I'll wear stuff I found in the street. Other people's clothes. The second most poorly-dressed woman in public life is the hostess of The Biggest Loser. That blue number she wore for the season opener? Just because the poor thing is blond is no reason to dress her like CBGB's-era Debbie Harry, OK? That's just wrong and she should renegotiate her contract. And speaking of people who are clearly dressed by angry, colorblind drag queens, I may have figured out what the deal is with Michelle Obama.

The First Lady dresses terribly. Everything fits poorly, is inappropriate for the occasion, or just plain bizarre. I don't think at this point she picks out her own clothes, because she has to have seen pictures of herself. I think people around her are afraid to tell her anything negative. I also think Mrs. Obama's a pretty smart cookie. Every time she goes out the door the media go wild praising her fashion sense and the internet goes wild coming up with new, even more unflattering adjectives with which to describe her... attributes.

So when Ahmadinejad lets slip that Iran is building another nuclear reactor and that "it would definitively be a mistake" for Obama to say anything about it, it's time for Ms. Michelle to slip into something ridiculous and close the streets during rush hour to pick up some produce. Everyone will spend the next news cycle yapping. OMG! Her shoes, her weave, her expression, her butt. Can you believe she went outside like that? How much was that bag? Oh, yeah. We were talking about something else, weren't we? Right? Who can remember?

Michelle is a helpmate, a team player, a nice, old-fashioned girl and a good little wifey. She's the magician's assistant.